Nov. 25, 1998
Herewith, in the interest of a fat-free America, some stories designed to dull your Thanksgiving Day appetite, discourage second and third helpings, and keep your belt buckle in the same notch:
– Father O’Flaherty was hearing the confessions of some schoolboys, and noted that all of them, after listing more familiar sins, asked forgiveness for throwing peanuts into the river. He thought they must be repenting for wasting food.
But his curiosity grew as it went on, and he decided to get to the bottom of it. But the last boy in a confessional said nothing about peanuts. So the priest asked him, “what about throwing peanuts in the river?”
“Father,” the boy said, “I’m peanuts.”
– From the late George Gobel, from the days when he was advertising spokesman for Vickers Petroleum in Wichita:
He said Jack Vickers Sr. once said of Jack Jr., who would become chairman of the board, “Jack’s lack of ability and intelligence is more than made up for by the fact he’s my son.”
He like to close his talks with what he called the immortal words of Lady Godiva’s husband: “Where the hell have you been? The horse has been home for 3 days.”
– This is the kind of story Jim Ramberg tells: A man with fishing and was sitting on the bank completely happy with a line in the water and a bottle of Bourbon at its side. Then, he saw a big bull snake crawling toward him with a frog in its mouth.
The man wasn’t afraid of the snake, and he felt sorry for the frog. So, he reached out, grab the frog from the snake’s mouth and tossed it into the water. When the snake opened its mouth in anger, he threw some of his Bourbon into It. The snake went away.
But pretty soon, the snake came back with another frog in its mouth. It crawled right up to the man, dropped the frog in his lap and opened its mouth wide.
That’s one of Ramberg’s “true” stories.
– From the mailbag, via the internet:
“With the Christmas season approaching, please look into your heart to help those in need. Hundreds of pro basketball players in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level. As if that weren’t bad enough, they will be deprived of pay because of the lock-out situation.
“But now you can help! For only $20,835 a month, or about $700-a-day (less than the cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help a pro basketball player remain economically viable during his time of need. That may not seem like a lot of money to you, no more than a mortgage payment, but $700-a-day will enable a pro player to buy a Home Entertainment Center, trade in his year-old Lexus or enjoy a trip to Rio.
“How will you know you’re helping? Each month you’ll receive a full financial report on your player, including his portfolio, his 401(K), and his plans to spend the $5 million lump sum he will receive on retirement. Plus, you’ll receive his color photo, unsigned. If you want it signed, add $50 per month.
“How will he know you’re helping? He will be told he has a special friend helping him in his time of need. Although he won’t know your name he will be able to make collect calls to your home in case more money is needed for unexpected expenses, like bail money.”
– A drunk sit down in the only available seat on the subway, which was next to a priest, and began reading a newspaper. After a time, he turned to the priest and said, “Father, what causes arthritis?”
The priest, disgusted, said, “it’s caused by loose living, overindulgence and alcohol and contempt for the fact you are a disgrace to the community. Then he added, “How long have you had arthritis?”
The drunk replied “don’t have it I just read the Pope had it.”
– From a reader, via the internet, comes some snippets from Martha Stewart’s holiday calendar:
Dec. 1: Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving Turkey. Spray paint gold, turned upside down and use a sleigh for Christmas cards. Dec. 2: Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir recorded giving Christmas message for answering machine. Dec. 5: fax family Christmas letter to Pulitzer committee for consideration. Dec 7: Lay Faberge Egg.
Dec. 9: Install plumbing in gingerbread house. Dec 12: Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioners’ sugar to add festive sparkle to the past year. Dec. 15: float votive candles in toilet tanks. Dec. 16: Seed clouds for white Christmas.
Dec: 25: Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri. Dec. 27: build snowman in exact likeness of God. Dec. 31: give staff their New Year’s resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the World as the clock strikes midnight in that country.